With the help of processing from the ManKind Project retreat, I realized that every day, all day long, I hold judgment against other people. As soon as someone is in my line of vision, whether physically or just in my mind's eye, I quickly form judgments about them. Then, I spend energy trying to confirm those judgments, wanting desperately to be "right" about the conclusions I've come to about other peoples' character, opinions, background, style, or anything else. I know I am not alone in this!
When I am "right" in my judgment, I feel great for about 3 seconds. Then it's gone and I'm on to the next judgment, unless there is someone else around who I feel like will enjoy hearing about my "correct" judgment. When I'm "wrong" in my judgment, I mentally shrug my shoulders and move on to the next judgment.
Of course, I am not exempt from my mind's constant judging. I subject myself to vicious, unfair evaluations constantly, beating myself up for perceived failures of all kinds (moral, logistical, emotional, cognitive, etc.).
So no one is spared.
I realize I'm not the only person who puts themselves in the role of judge. And I knew I judged unfairly before the ManKind Project retreat.
What was revelatory for me was the visualization of the form of these judgments. At first, I saw two streams of judgment emanating from me; one directed at all the other people around me and the other directed inwardly to myself.
While sharing this visualization with a friend, he suggested that the stream could be visualized as running along beside me, like a stream of water, instead of emerging from inside me.
"After all," he wondered, "Aren't these judgments part of our society?" He was right. As an American, I've marinated in a stew of judgment since the day I was born. Race, class, sex, gender, sexuality, religion, culture, language, appearance...what ISN'T up for judgment in American culture? So instead of visualizing the judgments as coming from inside of me, I realized that when I judge, it's more like choosing to jump into the stream of judgment, which offers me security and pre-emptive defense from possible harm.
Having named, visualized, and thus in some way contained this cancer, I felt liberated. The stream of judgment will never go away, but I know that I have the power to not jump into it.
Indeed, if I am to succeed in my life mission, then I will have to learn to not jump in.
When I am "right" in my judgment, I feel great for about 3 seconds. Then it's gone and I'm on to the next judgment, unless there is someone else around who I feel like will enjoy hearing about my "correct" judgment. When I'm "wrong" in my judgment, I mentally shrug my shoulders and move on to the next judgment.
Of course, I am not exempt from my mind's constant judging. I subject myself to vicious, unfair evaluations constantly, beating myself up for perceived failures of all kinds (moral, logistical, emotional, cognitive, etc.).
So no one is spared.
I realize I'm not the only person who puts themselves in the role of judge. And I knew I judged unfairly before the ManKind Project retreat.
What was revelatory for me was the visualization of the form of these judgments. At first, I saw two streams of judgment emanating from me; one directed at all the other people around me and the other directed inwardly to myself.
While sharing this visualization with a friend, he suggested that the stream could be visualized as running along beside me, like a stream of water, instead of emerging from inside me.
"After all," he wondered, "Aren't these judgments part of our society?" He was right. As an American, I've marinated in a stew of judgment since the day I was born. Race, class, sex, gender, sexuality, religion, culture, language, appearance...what ISN'T up for judgment in American culture? So instead of visualizing the judgments as coming from inside of me, I realized that when I judge, it's more like choosing to jump into the stream of judgment, which offers me security and pre-emptive defense from possible harm.
Having named, visualized, and thus in some way contained this cancer, I felt liberated. The stream of judgment will never go away, but I know that I have the power to not jump into it.
Indeed, if I am to succeed in my life mission, then I will have to learn to not jump in.